Learning to Heal · What you learn
May I push things away? Do I have to forgive?
Please note: the workshops are currently held in German only. I plan to offer workshops in English at a later date. If you would like to learn this and organize a workshop in English yourself, you are welcome to send an inquiry to [email protected].
Two questions that often come up in the closing round of the workshop. My answers run against widely held opinions, and in both cases the decision is yours.
Learning to Heal · from the closing round
Pushing things away is allowed. You don’t have to forgive. Both depend on how much your system can carry.
Two questions almost always come up at the end of the workshop. Whether it’s bad to push things away. And whether you have to forgive to find your peace. My answers surprise many people.
Why pushing things away is an ability
Many people have learned that you have to face everything. Anyone who pushes something away is quickly seen as someone who doesn’t look. I see it differently.
Rico’s words
Ignoring and pushing things away is a superpower. Am I alone in thinking that? I know, but it’s a superpower. It’s only negative when you push away things you have to take care of, things that are obvious. But our system is made so that everything that isn’t necessary gets pushed away. And that’s why 80% of the problems we have, we push them away. And that’s good, too. But if I have a strong system, it gets processed continuously.
Rico Brunner, workshop
The limit is already in the sentence. What does harm is pushing away what is obvious and what you have to take care of. Everything else can wait. Your system is built so that it doesn’t have to keep everything up front at the same time.
How to tell whether you’re only pushing it away
The question of whether you are processing something or only pushing it away now takes a simple form. It doesn’t matter whether something has been pushed away. What matters is whether it gets processed over time.
If you have to push the same thing away again and again, it is evidently not being processed. Then the system lacks the strength for it right now. Why an overwhelmed system first needs calm is explained under Why calm comes first.
Distraction is allowed
The same applies to distraction. Going to the cinema or taking a long walk in a difficult situation is not running away.
Rico’s words
Distraction is a superpower. It’s only negative if you stay distracted.
Rico Brunner, workshop
While you are distracted, your system can calm down and recover. Afterwards you return with more strength to whatever is on your mind. It only becomes tricky when the distraction no longer stops.
Why I tend to advise against forgiving
I give this answer when someone asks me directly. It surprises many people. For me, forgiving is a big word. It only fits where someone has hurt you deeply. You don’t have to forgive your partner for an argument. That kind of thing is part of living together.
But where someone has hurt you so badly that you would have to forgive, I see two dangers. The first concerns your own system. When you forgive, you tell it: that wasn’t so bad. You play down what happened to you, and your system can’t learn anything from it. The second concerns the other person. Forgiving carries the hope that they will change. In my observation, people who hurt others that deeply often do it again.
People you never have to forgive
There are people you are connected with for ten or fifteen years without ever having to forgive them anything. Those are the people I would stick with.
Rico’s words
That means if a person suits you, suits your system, you will never have to forgive them, because the values are right, the relationship is right, and they wouldn’t do things that hurt you deeply.
Rico Brunner, workshop
A person like that makes mistakes too. But at the core they don’t hit you. You are allowed to part ways for good with people who don’t suit you.
Not advice to be hard
Not forgiving doesn’t mean staying angry and tensing up. You can not forgive in a completely relaxed way. You no longer feel any resentment toward this person, and yet for you they are done with. You don’t give them a second chance to hit you in the same way.
Rico’s words
That doesn’t mean you can’t reconcile. Reconcile, yes. Forgive, no. So I’m not advising anyone against doing it. Everyone has to decide that for themselves.
Rico Brunner, workshop
That is my view, not a rule. Some people come with this question out of a hard time. Others made their peace long ago and want to know whether that is enough. Others again want to understand why some things keep repeating in their life. The same applies to everyone: the decision is yours.
Questions that come up often
- Do I have to deal with everything that has happened to me?
- No. What matters is what affects your life today. A lot can stay in the background as long as your system processes it bit by bit. More under What the name of the workshop means.
- How do I notice whether I’m only pushing something away?
- By whether it gets processed over time. If it keeps coming back the same way, or if you are pushing away something that obviously needs your attention, then take a look.
- Is it bad if I no longer want someone in my life?
- No. You can reconcile and still say: for me, that’s enough.
- Doesn’t not forgiving mean that I stay angry?
- No. You can be completely calm and still not forgive. The one has nothing to do with the other.